Finding my place
FIVE days ago, I left my apartment in North Little Rock; three days ago, I arrived at my new apartment in Suffolk; and today, I turn 22.
I’ve been sitting on an idea for a new blog post for a few months, and I think now is the perfect time to write it: I am in a continuous struggle to find my place. This applies geographically, socially, vocationally, naturally, and spiritually. I could touch on so many examples from my life to argue my point, but in order to enjoy my birthday, I’ll only examine a few key manifestations.
“Finding my place” came to mind most recently due to my participation in this year’s cohort of Artist INC in Little Rock, AR. I identify as a writer, but I don’t feel like I’m as good as many of the people in the artistic community. At the same time, I am quite interested in science and the more grounded workings of the world. I celebrate access to the whole spectrum of human knowledge, so I have trouble assigning myself to any specific group except that of the "learner.”
As far as my artistic endeavors go, it’s almost like some invisible barrier is holding me back from really throwing myself in there. Perhaps the thought that even if I did, I still wouldn’t be a recipient of all the accolades given to my peers. Like most people, I’ve faced plenty of rejection in my life. Though I’ve had ample opportunity to pursue an education and career in STEM, I find myself too emotional (or “feely”) to do something like that for the rest of my life. I want to create and I want to interact with others in a positive and uplifting way.
Additionally, I’ve never truly felt at-home in my home state of Arkansas or most places in the world. My studying in Oxford (UK) changed that for me. It’s the closest I’ve come to feeling at peace and at home for a few reasons: I was in a different country, across the ocean, whose people spoke the same language as me, but where I could really be a stranger in a sea of others. It felt so incredibly refreshing to be unknown, and to be in an unknown place that I had the full capability to explore. I fell in love with its architecture and layout as well as its natural characteristics, my favorite location being Port Meadow. I love interacting with animals and feeling connected with the natural world, which that experience allowed for; perhaps none of us are really “unknown” in the world.
If I want to leave Arkansas and one day attempt to reside in the UK, why move to Virginia? A fair question. My partner is the catalyst for my choosing this specific location since he lives in the area, but I knew I must move to VA with the risk of eventually being alone- again a stranger in a new place. I believe here I’ll find people and opportunities that more align with my values. Being on the East Coast will be very helpful for international (especially European) travel which is important to me for a fulfilling life. And, my new employer gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I could’ve set my location preferences to another state, but this area made the most sense when considering all factors.
Here I am, three days into my VA life, turning 22, and wanting to be seen by myself more than anyone else. I’m finding my place among billions of people, places, and beings. I know that my single consciousness is largely unimportant in the grand scheme of the universe, but I also know I want to make a positive difference in the living, breathing world; in other beings’ experiences not excepting my own.
